I Love Being A Mom......Now. It wasn't always that way.
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| Oldest 3 |
In fact I never even wanted to have kids growing up. I H.A.T.E.D babysitting. I wasn't even going to get married. And Then I meet Brett. Leave it to a tall, bald, and bearded man to sweep me off my feet. ; )
We even had agreed before we walked down the aisle that we would wait a year before we started 'trying'. Seven months after our wedding day we found out that we were pregnant with our daughter Destiny. I wish I could say that I was thrilled. The truth was that I was scared to death. The worst thing was that I was the first of all my friends to become pregnant, and I had no one to talk to. My husband (6 years older) on the other had was so excited. He was ready. He had been ready for 5 years. I felt like I couldn't even talk to him. I felt awful, I would cry in the shower so no one would know how I really felt. Not only that but we were supporting a wonderful ministry called Bound 4 Life a group that was working towards the end of abortion in America, And I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a mom.
At this time I was doing full time ministry (to be clear not bound 4 life) . This ministry that I was doing was physically taxing and we traveled all the time. Immediately thousands of questions entered my mind. Are my leaders going to be mad? Am I going to 'lose my place'? Can I even dance while I'm pregnant? And on and on. To my relief my leaders were not mad, but they did say you just keep doing what you are doing and the kid fits in around your schedule. Bless their hearts, they were just trying to make me feel better, but fast forward a couple years after we had our second child, Aiden, I knew that this was easier said then done. At this point My fear, worry, and anxiety escalated. I started to resent my own children. I tried to do it all and it wasn't working. I was drowning, I was losing my self, I was losing my 'sparkle' as my husband would say.
Then while hanging out at a friends house the question of how we planed on schooling our children came up. I was so sick of being asked that question. My husband was home schooled and I at the time worked in a public school directing theater. I knew I couldn't possibly do full time ministry, direct 3 plays a year, run the theater department, own a school of dance and home school my children all at the same time. Naturally, I deiced that children would go to the school I worked at. Has the usual questions started to fly God's beautiful light poured though. I heard argument form each side. "Aren't you afraid they will be corrupted in public school?" "Aren't you afraid they won't be sociable?" "Afraid?" Afraid?" "Afraid?"
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| End Of The Year Dance School Show |
Then while hanging out at a friends house the question of how we planed on schooling our children came up. I was so sick of being asked that question. My husband was home schooled and I at the time worked in a public school directing theater. I knew I couldn't possibly do full time ministry, direct 3 plays a year, run the theater department, own a school of dance and home school my children all at the same time. Naturally, I deiced that children would go to the school I worked at. Has the usual questions started to fly God's beautiful light poured though. I heard argument form each side. "Aren't you afraid they will be corrupted in public school?" "Aren't you afraid they won't be sociable?" "Afraid?" Afraid?" "Afraid?"
That day I deiced no matter what, I wasn't going to make the decision in fear. I realized at that moment how I had let fear direct my entire life instead of God. Even though the fear started to lift a little by little there was still one thing I was afraid of. WINTER in Minnesota with 3 children under 4. I became desperate, I needed a plan and I needed one fast. I prayed, God's answer would be revealed to me over the course of the next 9 months.
My Mom (My Best Friend)
I started to look for projects to do with my kids and found a goldmine on Pinterest . During a timely visit I told my mom about my idea of doing projects with my kids and she said lets go shopping. She took me to the local (45 min away) dollar store and we stocked up for the fall and winter seasons. I started to do a project a day with my kids. We were having a blast the kids loved having something special schedule to do, and my undivided attention for however long the project lasted. And the extra bonus was that we were finished they went running off to play with renewed energy and imagination leaving me to get my household chores done with little to no interruption which in turn gave us more time to connect through out the rest of the day.
Shortly after we added a daily project into our schedule. A couple of my friends asked me to start watching their children a couple of times a week. One winter day it happened that I had my children plus two other two year old boys. The morning went on smoothly and then the after lunch crash came. Hitting, kicking, yelling, crying, stealing toys typical kid stuff. That day in the midst of craziness I texted my life line, my husband Brett. I told him we are going to start a word of the week and todays' word is KINDNESS. His ever faithful encouraging response was, DO IT! And so I did, we began with Kindness and then worked our way through the fruit of the spirit. As we learned and grew together I realized that there was so much more I could teach them about character, loving God, and loving others. We pressed forward and God shaped and formed all of our heart though out the rest of the winter.
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| When It's To Cold Out We Bring The Snow Inside |
When spring approached the subject of home school vs public school arose once again. This was mostly due to our oldest turning 5 in the fall. We would have to make a finial decision with in a year. A friend suggested that I look at a blog called Confessions of A Homeschooler there I found a post titled 10 days of home-school enrichment . As I explored the post I realized that I was already doing it. It needed tweeking but in general I was schooling my children. What I kept calling impossible I was already doing. And it was fun! Then alarms in my head begun to go off BUT IT WILL GET HARDER AND HARDER. That nasty fear started to creep back in.
I turned back to the 10 days of home-school vision. Erica's writing shinned light on scriptures that I had only skimmed over before. The biggest was the turning point that God was trying to get me to through this whole journey.
Malachi 4:6 (KJV)
And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
This whole time, the whole point was to turn my heart form resenting to loving. From a harden heart to a soften heart. From a selfish audited to a servant attitude. Form my singular perspective to an eternal impacting perspective.
Over the following few months I gave myself over to letting God shape and mold me into the mother my children needed. The Mother who had a heart for her children. A mother who would lovingly and willing put everything aside for a season maybe even for forever just so she could pour the heart of the Lord into these wee ones. A mother who was willing to lay her plans and ideals down so she could be a stepping stone for her children to be world and future generation changers. I stop directing, I stepped down form ministry, I left the work force, I closed my dance studio doors. Don't get me wrong none of these decisions were easy to make. I know I let a lot of people down, even made a lot of people angry. None of my friend understood why I was doing what I was doing. They all thought I was losing my mind. It was a dying to myself. It was a lying my life down for another. It hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, professionally. BUT only a few years later I know with out a doubt that it was the best choice I could have ever made, and the Lord has rewarded me with days filled with laughter and love. There are days that are still hard, but I know that no job, or ministry could possibly give me the return on my time, energy, and from time to time my mind that the Lord has given me through my children.
So that is the beginning of my story how I became a mom with a full heart of now 5 children. The story continues to evolve form day to day. But I'm hooked I can't put the book down and I can't wait to see what the Lord writes next. Stick with me and you will find out too.
Over the following few months I gave myself over to letting God shape and mold me into the mother my children needed. The Mother who had a heart for her children. A mother who would lovingly and willing put everything aside for a season maybe even for forever just so she could pour the heart of the Lord into these wee ones. A mother who was willing to lay her plans and ideals down so she could be a stepping stone for her children to be world and future generation changers. I stop directing, I stepped down form ministry, I left the work force, I closed my dance studio doors. Don't get me wrong none of these decisions were easy to make. I know I let a lot of people down, even made a lot of people angry. None of my friend understood why I was doing what I was doing. They all thought I was losing my mind. It was a dying to myself. It was a lying my life down for another. It hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, professionally. BUT only a few years later I know with out a doubt that it was the best choice I could have ever made, and the Lord has rewarded me with days filled with laughter and love. There are days that are still hard, but I know that no job, or ministry could possibly give me the return on my time, energy, and from time to time my mind that the Lord has given me through my children.
So that is the beginning of my story how I became a mom with a full heart of now 5 children. The story continues to evolve form day to day. But I'm hooked I can't put the book down and I can't wait to see what the Lord writes next. Stick with me and you will find out too.
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